Day 226 - new beginnings

New years eve is special because it gives people hope. I love it because although time is somewhat of a superficial man made thing, milestones like new years give each and everyone of us an illusion that change is possible. What's your new years resolution? And I think this opportunity really is special, even if it's somewhat of an illusion. Because I heard this while watching Vanilla Sky again, not to long ago, "Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around." I'm not sure if it's unique to the movie or not, but it really struck a chord with me. The idea that there's a night that commemorates change, like New Years Eve, is really special. So when I was waiting for the year to change last night...and the ball dropped, I couldn't help but smile, because it really is a magical feeling. All can be different now, if you so let it. And all though every passing minute is a chance to let it be different, sometimes we need more tangible illusions to reinforce that feeling.

Day 225 - converstations worth the drive

I had a friend drive a fair distance to spend all but an hour or so with me today. This really meant a lot to me. They were really happy that we could have a good talk, even if it was short, and me the same. I think the reason it's such a meaningful gesture is because it means this person not only values my company but also my opinion. He drove the distance in order for us to have a meaningful conversation, and to me that really says friendship. When you feel it completely necessary to make an extra effort to have that face to face conversation, it shows the value in that persons opinion, the time you share with that person and the impact they have on your life. And today I'm thankful to have a friend like that in my life, one whose conversation is worth the drive.

Day 224 - responsible sharing

What I find interesting is the varied advice and reactions when discussing the same problem with different people. A part of me realised today that you really can't share everything with some people, and instead of being angered by that, I was more touched by it. I'm not sure about others, but I often fall into the trap of sharing all that I do decide to share with the world relatively equally amongst my close friends. But today, I've realised that this method isn't exactly responsible. Being very loose with your emotions, inner thoughts and opinions is a good thing, in that you do learn a lot, but it's also irresponsible when done to a certain degree. And that goes with anything that you give away casually, your body, your earnings, and your inner self in this case, all in which are intertwined. So what I've realised today, is the beauty in responsibly sharing yourself with people. Because spreading yourself too thin by any means isn't letting you hold onto and really understand those parts of you before you share them with the world. So being selective, and eve selectively casual if necessary, I think lets you keep your grounding and helps you respect the parts of you that you should cherish. And today, instead of getting put off at the fact that I can't exactly share everything with everyone I'd like to, I'm more happy at the fact that I actually do have control over how I see and feel about myself. And for a control freak, that really is a wonderful thing.

Day 223 - friends that make it up to you

Sometimes, especially the older we get, priorities change and people cancel, forget, are too busy and etc. This is part of adulthood, and I think the important thing to keep in mind is most of these excuses are legitimate and aren't personal. However, what means most, is that once that understanding is established between you and the person for whatever non-personal reason can't make it out, goes out of their way to make it up to you. It means a lot, mostly because if you truly are understanding of their circumstance, and don't lay on the guilt, this gesture comes from a very pure place. A place that shows to us how much we actually mean to a person. Because our lives change. And you can't always expect everyone in your life to be available to do the things you'd like to do, especially if your lifestyles have drastically change. But what counts, is although lives and priorities change as we age, focusing more towards family, married life, children, etc. making the effort they way you can speaks mountains. So thank you to my friend who although I understand can't make it out to a singles bars anymore, appreciates my friendship enough to make an effort that wasn't even necessary.

Day 222 - first kisses

What I love most about first kisses is the magnetism. They're usually pretty spontaneous, at least the good ones are. And they're so exciting, even if nothing comes of them, they're moments were something is happening between you and another person, so much that you need to affection. It's a moment where you let go, and succumb to something you can't quite put your finger on. It tingles, knocks you off your feet and makes you smile after. It's a good feeling that leaves you floating and that feeling of walking on air after you show your first affection for someone is a really special moment. It's almost unearthly.

Day 221 - friends that show up

It's nice to have friends that make it out to things you invite them to. I've mentioned before that invitations are considerate tokens that tell a person that they would like to spend time with you. So when people show up to these events, they understand how important the invitation really is, even if it's not on a conscious level. Showing up displays initiative and in some cases the capacity you can be relied on. And I think understanding that it's not about making your presents grand, but rather knowing that just being there is all that matters most of the time. A man can only be measured by his actions, and we all have good intentions, but its following through with those intentions that matters most. As the saying goes, 80% of life is just showing up, and I completely agree with that.

Day 220 - real debates

What I love about my family dinners is that they are usually open ended debates. I love the fact that although we're all stubborn as hell, we'll still hear and voice a variety of opinions, and not get offended. I find that in today's society people take debate too personally. They feel like voicing their opinion on a subject puts them in a position to be scruitinzed. And in most cases this is true. I find this a lot, especially in North America. Your opinion on any giving subject immediately proifiles you as a certain person. All opinions are derivitives of some extrememly personal part of yourself, and therefore if rebuted should be taken as an offence. This to me is complete nonsense. Opinions change, and are only minor parts of ourselves. And can only really be used to profile someone when they're causing action. You can't judge a person by what he or she says on a subject, you could start to form an opnion, but by no means categorize someone. And I find people way to defensive, especially in debate. It's more of a battle of who's opinion is better, subsequentally who's better. If you're arguing a point, then sure, go for it, fight and argue away. But I really don't find that's the case most of the times. Debates are so loaded, they're just a way for people to try to prove themselves, but that's not the point. The point to a debate, is to prove a point. That isn't necessarily a direct extention of your existence. I realised this today while in a room full of highly opiniontated stubborn people sat at a dining table, and discussed completely oposing opinions without anyone getting remotely offended. And it's moments like these that I realise how much of our insecurities are embeded in our behavior. Maybe we all could potentially learn from eachother if life was as easy as a big fat Greek Christmas dinner.

Day 219 - developing realtionship with my sister

Growing up my sister and I had a pretty big age gap. We never really developed a proper bond the way some sisters do. She was more like a second mother to me, which as you can imagine, only caused friction. As I grew into adulthood, we started developing a quasi relationship. But it wasn't until recently that I realised the possibility of that relationship. And today, after one for the first few heart to hearts we've ever had to date, I'm thankful for the fact that I finally have a sister as a friend. It's one of those things that you convince yourself you're ok without, but it isn't until it presents itself that you realise how vital it is to your existence. I guess it's easier to be defensive towards old wounds, and ones involving your family are the deepest and most significant. I don't care what anyone tries to tell you, but resolving your family issues and developing a loving and healthy relationship with them is probably the best thing for your soul, self, mind, whatever, I mean that's where it began, and you can't ignore that it's a part of you.

Day 218 - friends in good health

I saw a very good friend of mine today who I haven't seen in a long time since t she fell extremely ill. I've been worrying about her for almost three months no. Not knowing if a person close to you is ok really screws with you. You really don't realise how fragile so many things in our lives are; Friendships, relationsips, health. I've And today, after being in to see her today in good health and smiling made me so happy. On my drive home I was thinking about how thankful I was to have her in my life, (actively), again. And I really realised that we NEED to cherish the people in our lives. We can't get caught up in shortcomings; it's not worth it. If we care about people then fuck the stupid idysincrasies that might annoy us. Are they good people? Do they contribute to your life? If yes then rather than worrying about what they shouldn't and shouldn't be doing, just pray that they're in good health. Because really after each other, that's the only thing any of us need to count on. And it's devistating when that falls first.

Day 217 - day dates with friends

I spent the day with a good friend of mine today, just before I ran some errands in the evening. Although most of my day was spent out, it was very refreshing. Spending leisurely day-dates with friends is really a great way to spend your time. What's great about them is that it's a great way to get to know someone without any of the stress involved in our daily lives. Rather than sitting having an evening coffee after a rough day, or taking a break from our busy schedules, day-dates are in someways a vacation from that life, and they can exhibit us, and the other person, at our personal best. They also help you get to know a person, in that sometimes when on an outing with friends, its easy to be 'on' so to speak. But spendign a relatively lengthy period of time with a person helps each person understand the other in a different way, and in a viariety of contexts. And I think it's for all these reasons that they can be more refreshing than tiring, at least the good ones.

Day 216 - considerate drivers

I was driving home today in rush hour, bumper to bumper for a god stretch of road. At one point, a side street joined the main road and there were three cars waiting for the never ending string of cars to stop so they could turn. The man in front of me let them in, and as I inched up a third came and I stopped to let him in. The car behind me honked its horn, to which I gave him the finger. Here we have two opposing types of people. The one, the car in front of me, that let's people in, despite the minor inconvenience, and two the car behind me that thinks its the only car in a hurry to get home. I've been meaning to write a post about this happening for a while. Because considerate drivers, in an age and society that is individually focused on hurrying to get to our respective destinations, is sometimes a hard thing to come by. People who let you in lanes, wait for pedestrians to cross, don't bud in those extra 30 seconds to catch the lagging end of an advanced green light, these people understand that we all are in a hurry. Those extra thirty - sixty seconds we lose in order to make someone else's drive more safe and enjoyable are not pinnacle moments in our lives. Sure, it might feel as though you've reached a destination in the quickest time possible, but really 60 seconds isn't going to kill you. So thank you to the drivers who realise they're not the only ones in a hurry.

Day 215 - easy conversation with old friends

I hate to say this, but sometimes when arranging dates/ making plans with old friends there's the chance of having to force conversation. Tonight I had the pleasure of going out with an old friend of mine for the night. Needless to say I spent the night laughing and having a good talk with him for a few hours. We hadn't talked in probably over 3 or 4 years, and it's funny how with some people the conversation just comes easy. It's not to say that these friendships are always the deepest and most profound, and not to say that they aren't, it's just that the idea of meeting up with someone after such a long time, and having such easy conversation is very refreshing. It doesn't always happen so smoothly, some of the conversation is force, some of the enthusiasm is force, and neither of these things diminish the value of the friendship by any means. All I'm trying to say is that it really is a blessing to be able to sit and talk to someone with complete ease, no hurdles, when you sometimes feel you won't have anything meaningful to say.

Day 214 - daydreams

I sometimes play a story in my head from time to time, before bed, while I'm working out or bored in a class. It goes on and on, like a never ending movie. The interesting thing about it, is that it's an active dream. And what it helps me realise is the certain things that I subconsciously want in my life. The great thing about day dreaming is that there are no rules or limitations to your wants or needs, and they're easy investigations in what you actually want or need in your conscious life. I sometimes find myself interacting with people in circumstances I often daydream about, and realise, wow, this really isn't the right thing for me. Day dreaming really is an easy way to figure out what it is that's going to make you feel good, but actually good. And the greatest thing about it is the fact that no one other than yourself needs to see it. I think that's probably why they can be so honest. It's funny that some of the hardest answers to find are so easily accessible. You just need to know where to look, and it's often inside.

Day 213 - friends who share your lifestyle

We usually have a variety of friends in our lives, and ones we don't always relate to. But there are the people in our lives that just get us. I'm talking about the people in our lives have the same opinions, tastes, values and lifestyle as us. As much as diversity is important and relating to people of different backgrounds helps us maintain a level head, having people that we can relate our life to is very important and refreshing. . A lot of times when I'm interacting with people, I find myself feeling really alone, in that I feel as though my views on things are sometimes just so isolated from what the people around me think. And finding the few people who see me eye to eye is really a refreshing blessing. It brings me comfort knowing that at least there are a few people who see things the way I do. I sometimes wonder if it's unhealthy to want that sort of belonging or feeling of 'not being alone' but I think an inherent part of every human is to know that they can belong and connect with people. And I think feeling as though your views on the world are isolated can be very demoralizing. As eccentric as some of us can be, together with these selected people, we can feel as though it's not completely 'out-there' to think or act they way we do.

Day 212 - people who care about your mental well being

Tonight my mom was asking me what my plans for new years eve were and she instisted that I make sure to go out and have a good time. "You have been cooped up in the house studying and you need to make sure to go out and have fun on new years eve, it's a big deal and that way you're not going to get depressed" This, coming from my teenage recollections of an overprotective mother, came as a rather shock to me. It's nice to see however that there are people in your life that insist you lead a healthy lifestyle, and offer slightly cutting advice that forces you to do so. That was probably the last thing I expected to hear from my mom, but it's an indication that she is looking out for my well being, and forcing me to leave my batcave of thesis is part of her duty as someone who cares about me. She's obviously been concerned about my mental well being for the last little while, knowing that I'm stuck working in my office all day, to say something like that. And for that comment and concerned observation I'm extremely touched and thankful.

Day 211 - being told you're a good influence

My friend has been going through a rough time, and recently moved back in with her folks. I called her house looking for her today, and her mom, although we had never met or spoken to each other, was really happy to hear from me. She said something along the lines of "I'm happy you called, (insert name here) was so happy last time you called, I remember she was laughing, make sure to call back when she gets in" and insisted I keep in touch with her daughter. I guess the last conversation I had with her really brightened her spirits. I didn't really know this, I mean yes I know she was in good spirits after we ended our phone call, but I didn't realise the impact was enough to make the people around her notice. The fact that her mother said that to me today made me really happy, because sometimes you don't always realise the impact you make in someones life until it's told to you. Although I don't actively try to be a good influence, just a good friend, hearing that from her mom today made me feel really good, and for that I am grateful.

Day 210 - people who always call

There's a custom in my culture commemorates the name that was given to you. Today was my special day, and each year there are certain relatives and friends of family that always call. I usually don't like answering the phone to chitchat from distant relatives or family friends, mostly because the conversation is superficial. But today, since I had to answer the phone, it made me realise that the conversation might be superficial, the act of calling shows concern. These people that call each year, like clockwork, remember the obscure day that I celebrate and think of me. And although the conversation may not be much, it's like a small gift, it's the though that counts. So thank you for that reminder.

Day 209 - support during stupidity

We all go through phases in our lives where we explore things that aren't necessarily 'true to us', act foolish and succumb to our insecurities. These are phases of discovery and development and sometimes times where we may act out of character. This behavior can easily isolate us from certain people. But there are friends out there that understand our patterns and let us grow. They may not agree with the way we are acting, but they understand that sometimes people need to go through things, and will stick by us and offer support when they can. This is a sign of a true friend. They offer their advice and try not to judge. They understand that although we act out of character, divert from ourselves (in a mostly superficial way), that to our core we still are the friend they know and love. They can see us better than ourselves sometimes, especially at moments when we act foolish . But it is important to explore that stupidity, because it usually brings us back to ourselves eventually.

Day 208 - the golden rule

There a biblical verse that is often quoted as a golden rule, 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' and today's entry relates to this. We sometimes set standards for friends that we often don't follow ourselves. I had a friend of mine recently experience something like this, and while hearing her story it made me really thankful for the friends in my life who do practice what they preach. The friends that realised that in order to have a considerate, compassionate and trustworthy friend it's important to give all of that in return. Nothing worthwhile comes easy, and sometimes friendship does take a lot of work and effort. Of course we all deserve to have friendship in our lives, but we're also not meant to sit idle and have everything given to us. Our world is about relating, And although this came from hearing about another friend's misfortune, it really shed light on a lot of people in my life.

Day 207 - happy accidents

I sometimes think accidents are moments that we let our inhibitions go to the universe. Yes I know, that sounds totally hoaky, but I think there's truth in it. Mistakes happen for a reason, and its often because things weren't going right to begin with. This is most clear when accidents have immediate positive outcomes. I really think that every mistake we make is a chance and sign that we can and should turn things around. Happy accidents just give much more immediate responses. Case and point: I've been working extremely hard the last couple of weeks, staying home a lot. Tonight I decided to take a break from my work and make some Christmas gifts. I decided to make a few homemade liqueurs this year, and from my stress I had also forgotten to eat supper. So, one thing lead to another, and while trying out my gift in order to make sure it tasted ok, I got rahter inhebriated. I was kind of angry about this, because that meant the night of work Ihad ahead of me was a lost cause, because I had accidentally gotten tipsy. My friend called me and insisted that I go out. To be honest with you I really couldn't think of a better thing to do with my night, its almost as though I needed to go out, but my overly rational side wasn't letting me. Although this is a more comical example of what I'm trying to say, I think it's important to look at these accidents as cues from the universe that come in when we let our inhibitions go.

Day 206 - surprise parties

I was born on Christmas Day, this often makes celebrating my birthday rather difficult. However, my friends threw me a surprise birthday celebration amongst their own holiday celebrations tonight. I think surprise parties are special because they are meant to celebrate a person's successes, birth (or existences) and contribution as a friend. They instill the sort of appreciation that I write about in this blog, because they are not asked for and are celebratory, they show genuine appreciation. So today I am thankful for my wonderful friends who took the time to think and plan something in order to celebrate my often overlooked birthday. It really means the world to me, and I will forever remember tonight.

Day 205 - inspiring works of art

I was reading a while ago that the creative instinct is a transcended gift. I believe this to some degree. I bought a new book of illustrations today, and after looking through it I found the ideas for my own work just came pouring out. I was so excited that my stagnant state of production was finally moving along, and it was all thanks to these images. I think its a really special thing to be inspired by someone elses work. And of course it's not just the work that I was looking at today, it's all the art pieces that have fed my creative work, the masters, the amateurs, the works that aren't even thought of as pieces of art. The power of triggering a creative instinct in someone else I think is truly a gift. If that instinct is 'transcended' then when a work impacts you to that level there's something really beautiful happening. You're triggering a very pure instinct in someone else by a work you've created. That is truly a blessing.

Day 204 - making unforgettable memories with friends

A girlfriend of mine and me have both decided to get tattoos together in the next coming months. Not the same one, but to have the event be together. I thought this was really beautiful because it is something that is permanent and I will always remember going with her. These sort of memories, ones you can't ever forget, where you involve friends in life decisions are very beautiful. They create a permanent bond with that person, and it really says a lot about that friendship. And today i am thankful to have that friendship with her, because the more I thought about it, the more I realised how I will never regret that decision, or want to forget our friendship, and although the permanent image itself is meaningful to me specifically the act of getting it is a reminder of that.

Day 203 - friends who make you go out

I've been hibernating lately, working away in my office. I got a call from a friend of mine today asking me to go out. It was the way she asked me that made me throw my books down and stay, screw it I need to leave the house. Friends need to know when to leave you be, and when you need to be persuaded. And today I'm thankful for my friend who made me realize that being cooped up in the house isn't doing me or my thesis any favours. I used to always lock myself away from the world to get work done, and I realised that hard earned breaks are very healthy. So thank you, that late night espresso did me wonders.

Day 202 - variety in friendships

I think the line between friend and acquaintance falls somewhere between trust and respect. There are a lot of people who are our friends who do things that we may not value, have a very different opinion towards and completely oppose our lifestyles. But although there are vast differences in who each person is, there si still a mutual respect for that person's decisions and life choices. I think that respecting these differences and gaining insight and knowledge from them is a foundation for a great friendship. Some of the best friendships I have are with people who are the complete opposite of me. And what I value most from these friendships is that we do not judge or assume the other person to take on our own lives, but value the life that they have chosen. When you surround yourself with people who are only similar to yourself you really are limiting the types of interactions you can have with people. Life is just as much about the type of people you interact with as it about experience. I think being able to form intimiate relationships with a variety of people helps build good character. And I'm thankful for the friends in my life who have taught me that, and accept my lifestyle even though it couldn't be further from what they'd want for their own lives.

Day 201 - apologies

"Apologizing does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it means you value your relationship more than you ego" not only did this ring true in my day today, but it's also perfectly written. An apology is something that shows empathy and is a hinge point in any relationship. It is the point were both parties realize that each person can make mistakes, and that the relationship is worth setting aside differences. It also helps build trust. You apologize for something, you are empathetic towards someone else's situation, and therefore value that person's emotional well being. You take responsibility for your actions and can be relied upon to do. Its funny that sometimes its just so important to let people know that you do in fact value them. And obviously if something ismisunderstood or you make a mistake.

Day 200 - children's honesty

I teach a children's art class every Saturday. What amazes me most about these kids is how honest they are. You always know where you stand with them. They like you, they don't, they think you're a great person, they think you're rotten, for the most part it's all pretty much there. And they're not tainted enough to intended anything they say in a malicious way. If they say they love you, they do, if they don't, it's nothing personal, you've just wronged them somehow. I think we could all learn a lesson or two from that. I always feel awful about how blunt I am, it's something that I'm in constant battle with. For the most part most of what I say is never intended maliciously, it just comes out as I think it. Sort of childlike I know, but when I'm around these kids, I never feel attacked. Even if they're displeased with something I have done. They are by far the best communicators on the planet. And I think a lot of us could learn from that. If we were all honest with eachother, in order to communicate how we feel I think it could eliminate the majority of the unhealthy passive agressiveness that we find today. A friend of mine once told me that if we all reverted back to our childhood ways, life would be so much more pure, and we'd all be a lot happier, and I'm starting to realise how true that really is.

Day 199 - implementing learned values

This song was playing during a movie I was watching today, and it immediately took me back to my high school days. It made me think of my graduation and was beginning to make my own life choices. I remember listening to this song a lot during that time for some reason, and now it seems as though the song is applicable again. There are people in your life that teach you lessons and change you, they are integral in you growing as a person, they are mentors, role models. And a hard thing to do is let go of them, move on on your own. It's a little scary, just like a kid going to school for the first time. but there's something really special in that. It's like all these beautiful and valuable lessons are being implemented into someone else's life, this person is 'doing the right thing' because of the values you've instilled in them. I think making these people proud is something to be cherished. This song just makes me think of my late grandparents, how although they're gone, and I'm on my own right now, their effort in making me an honourable person is still living on, and I owe it to them. Sometimes we forget that we have a lineage of people behind us that we have obligation to, espcially in North America, we are preoccupied with our individual success that we forget to pay homage to our mentors, our families and teachers, the ones who have brought us here. And the act of trying our best to implement those well-intended values into our lives, when we learn to stand on our own, is really a beautiful thing. It in itself is an act of graditude.

Day 198 - friends you want to spend time with

I wrote a post a while back about people who want to spend time with you, and today's post is the inverse of that. Special days, celebrations, birthdays, holidays, these are all moments that we've come to, and want to share with others. A friend told me once that you should spend your time with people you trust with your heart. And it's safe to say that on these occasions, it's these people that come to mind, these are the people in my life that I'm thankful for; the one's I trust my heart with, and the ones I want to spend my special occasions with. At the end of the day, it's these people that matter, and that doesn't discount the other people in your life, or limit their quality as a person. It's just that some people are just more connected to you than others, and it's those people you need to hold onto. They are the ones that keep you going.

Day 197 - scapegoats

No matter what profession, job, school whatever mildly elitist group you're in, there are going to be people there who others don't respect or think "deserve to be there". They're mostly the scapegoats of a lot of jokes. The thing that bothers me most about this, is that most of these people who get ridiculed in these circles probably went through the same admissions, interview, application etc., process as everyone else. I think its important to keep that in mind, before passing judgments on other people. Because it's those judgments that will inhibit you from finding out just why these people might be deserving enough to walk with the same degree, job title, or what have you as yourself. Granted there are case where people do cheat the systems and do gain things in corrupted ways, but that's not what I'm talking about here. And I'm thankful for the times I've set those judgements aside and have found that there's a variety of talent, intelligence and capability around me, sometimes it's just not as in-your-face or in a familiar form. And I'm thankful for these people, because for one, they break the molds of what is asked for and two, they help you understand the importance of celebrating diversity, at least if you give them a chance.

Day 196 - phases

Nothing lasts forever, that's something I've come to realise. And its especially important to keep this in mind when in a rut. There are times in your life when you're supposed to be upset, and you shouldn't get bent out of shape for not thinking positively. Everything goes in waves, and the sooner you accept that, the easier you'll be able to let go of anxiety that might come with hardship. A very good friend of mine is going through a rough time right now and she's having a hard time staying positive. And the more I think about her and this idea of phases, the more I realise that we sometimes need to let ourselves be upset. I'm not saying wallow in despair, but accept and understand it. Right now it sucks, but that's just right now. Tomorrow is a new day. Trying to focus on the positives is important, but sometimes you really do feel like shit, and focusing on the positives is only ignoring a wound rather than healing it. So rather than faking positivity until you make it, (which in my mind just becomes a more refined form of faking), accept the fact that you feel like shit, but accept that it is just for now. Understand this is just a phase and it too shall pass is.

Day 195 - meditation

I think it's important that we all meditate from time to time. I'm not saying everyone should pick up an om chanting ritual and practice kundalini or whatever. But the act of removing yourself from our current environment and conscious state is important. We so easily get caught up in things that we forget thigns that ground us. Prayer is also a good form of meditation, I looked it up recently in the dictionary and found a few entries that said it's part of an act of worship. I found that kind of funny. Because I have a lot of friends in various religious places, and they all use prayer as a form of meditation, a place they go to that grounds them. And I find that the more I meditate, relax and let go of the present situation, for some time of solace and communication with something greater, I find I make better decisions. The more we tune ourselves to what we really need, want and is around us, beyond the physical reality, the easier it is to pinpoint what belongs in you life.

Day 194 - concern that causes positive reflex

I had a phone date with a really good friend of mine tonight. We lost touch over the years but for some reason recently we've reconnected and it's been such a blessing. We were talking about how things were going and such, and I was telling him about some of the bad habits I've been forming because of stress. He showed genuine concern, concern enough to make me stop and think, shit what the hell am I doing here? I grabbed one of my vices and got rid of it immediately. Just like that. It takes a lot for someone to do that, although I'm prone to impulsive decision making, but still. And what I'm thankful for today is the people who trigger these impulses, out of their pure concern for your well being. After doing that I felt relieved. So thank you to you , and the rest of my good friends who care enough to cause so positive reflexes.

Day 193 - honouring traditions

Traditions that someone is brought up with sometimes get lost in adult life. Through school deadlines, work deadlines, a demanding social schedule, we sometimes let go of things. But I think it's important to honour these traditions, either the ones we've been brought up with, or new ones that are made as we develop. They're important because they help ground you. A Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of a hectic work schedule reminds you of the importance of family, and that that void can't ever be filled with monetary success. Receiving an annual birthday present from your friend, on one of the crappiest birthdays you could imagine is a reminder that through hell and high water, good friendships persevere. These things matter, they are the things that tie us together, heck they tie entire cultures together. And when people remind themselves of these things, they remind themselves of what their lives are missing and are blessed with.

Day 192 - understanding friends

I hate disappointing friends and I hate flaking out on plans, both of which I did today. Bringing the bad news to people I have a bit of a hard time doing, but luckily there are friends out there that know it's not a personal thing, but are understanding that there are in fact unfortunate circumstances. It's hard not to take it personally, because you want to believe your friends like your company. And I'd like to believe the majority of disappointments are for legitimate reasons. The other percentage should be inconsequential anyway. And the fact of the matter is, it's probably just as hard to disappoint someone, as it is to be disappointed. So thank you to those friends of mine who understand that.

Day 191 - things out of your control

I got some pretty bad news today. Seems to be the theme of this month, but nonetheless shit happens. And when that shit hits the fan, its a messy reality telling you that you need not be in control of everything. I think life keeps throwing lessons at you until you've learned them. So, where does this idea fall into my bad news. Well, I can honestly say that I'm a bit, if not quite of a control freak. And as of late, it seems as though everything seems to be out of my control. And every time I think I have a handle on things, yet another obstacle comes my way. And I get completely frustrated, because as mentioned earlier, I'm a control freak. But I think what these obstacles are trying to teach me is that, life isn't about control. It's not about taking each situation by the horns and driving it home. No, it's about coping. Sounds pretty anticlimactic doesn't it? But not really. You have deal with life, play the cards that are dealt to you in a way that's going to make you happy. You have no control over what cards will be dealt next, the only thing you can control is how you play your hand right? So maybe that's just it. Learning how cope with what you have in a way that's good for you. Letting go of that authority over your life is something I have a hard time dealing with. I guess that means I have a lot of red tape to cut in my near future.

Day 190 - paying it forward

I needed some change today to pay for a subway token. I was in the subway entrance with another woman. We both realised we had to buy them from a machine in order to do so, but I had no change. After the both of us complaining how impersonal and frustrating it was, I headed out the door to go buy something and break some of my bills into change for the machine. She stopped me saying, "Wait do you just need one token?" And I said,

"Yeah I'll just get some change from the store or something."

"You can just have one of mine."
"Oh, don't worry about it"
"No seriously, just take one"
"Really? I wouldn't feel right about it"
"Just Pay It Forward, don't worry about it"

I took the token and was really happy. The interaction was not more than two minutes, and it made my day. Not because I pocketed the $2.75 subway fare, sure that was nice, but it was the fact that she asked me to Pay It Forward as payment. It really gave me hope in people. She not only helped me, on instant, but wanted to help others too. So wherever you are I'd like to thank you kind lady!

Day 189 - perfectly cued 'just because' tokens

I received an email from a friend tonight who sent me a song, just because. He knew I was having a bit of difficulty lately and thought it might cheer me up. The lyrics in this song seem slightly superficial, but at the same time completely honest and uplifting. I'm happy I have people in my life that take it upon themselves to give small tokens of concern, just because. Because although it was just a simple email, listening to this song, as simple as it was, was exactly what I needed to hear and almost brought me to tears. And I think these 'just because' tokens that have this effect on us, are cues from the universe that we are more connected then we think we are. Otherwise is it just coincidence that we sometimes do things on impulse that are completely perfect for a person in their situation? I don't think so.

Day 188 - a good cry

I've recently been going through a bit of a shitstorm (mind the language) with various things I've been dealing with. As of a few days ago I thought it was all over, only to find out today, with one unfortunate email, that in fact it was just the eye of the storm. I thought I was ok, and that I was going to handle it, but then just broke into tears. After a little bit I felt so much better, and realised it had been a long time since I had cried. And even though this was more out of frustration than anything, it was completely therapeutic. It was then that I realised I needed to throw in the towel for a little while and cool off. I had been holding onto this frustration for so long, and dealing with it in very ineffective ways, and today, crying for those good couple minutes really helped. And to those who think crying is a sign of weakness can look the other way if you ask me, cause there's nothing wrong with letting yourself feel things sometimes. Because not letting yourself do so is what will get you here in the first place.

Day 187 - shared trauma

We sometimes go through things that are upsetting, so upsetting that we are embarrassed to share them with others. That isn't to say that what happened is in fact something to be embarrassed about, it's just our own guilt most of the time that causes these feelings. Either way, I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine today about something she was going through that fell into this category. And I remember feeling so blessed that she chose to share and trust her feelings with me. We often overlook how much courage it takes a person to merely talk about things. And more over we forget that were aren't entitled to that information, but its information that that person has entrusted and graced us with. It's something that has impacted them enough to want to keep private. And to share that with you is an honour. They're called skeletons in the closet for a reason, they frighten us and won't go away. And when someone shares them with you, you have a key to that closet, and if you think about it that way, its like you have access to a persons most inner and darkest insecurities, fears, guilt, you name it. When we invite people to our homes, we don't show them the storage room that's been a shambles for years, or the mess accumulated under the bed but our closest and dearest know about those, they also know the rest of the imperfections we keep hidden in many other ways. And to be be in a position to listen to someones more embarrassing and traumatic experiences is something that I really value. Because its these friendships that let me feel comfortable enough to be imperfect as well.

Day 186 - escapes

I've spoken about escapism before in this blog, saying how we shouldn't ignore underlying issues in our lives by participating in diversions or distractions. But, I also talk about balance, and how life isn't about comparing yourself to an image of perfection. Things are not so black and white, but much more grey. So, it is important to escape from problems from time to time. Taking nights off, going on a holiday, relaxing and not thinking about things; these are vital in living healthily. But in moderation, like anything in life. But I think it's important for us to recognize when it's time to toss in the towel for a day, a night or an hour. Taking a break from our responsibilities is sometimes the best form of rejuvenation. It's much better than lying to yourself, saying you'll get through something when really your mind and body are at the brink of a breakdown. I've always had a fetish for fire escapes, and after titling this post just now, I realised why. You always see fire escapes in between buildings. They're like hinges; and completely necessary. It's only fitting that they make them aesthetically pleasing, because they connect to major buildings to one and other in space. And in someways these little escapes we have in life are like that, we can't make a life of them, because it wouldn't surmount to anything but endless stairs to no where, but with substantial parts of our lives, they give us the right amount of breaking points to experience the important points to the best of our abilities. They're almost like palate cleansers.

Day 185 - background noise

I like to work while watching Seinfeld. Actually, I don't really watch much regular TV so to speak, mostly online stuff. But when I'm working I find I work best when Seinfeld is on, no joke. My old roommates boyfriend was visiting us a while back and he said to her, "why is there always Seinfeld playing in Elfie's room." And it occurred to me today, whenever I have something pressing to do, Seinfeld is my equalizer, it's the background noise that helps me relax, take my time and mildly enjoy the process of something that could be easily unpleasant. So today I'm thankful for the many relaxing things we have as background noise that allow us to perform to the best of our abilities. They're in some ways the companions we share stressful times with, because we often find ourselves getting lonely when workings. So today I'd like to tip my hat to Seinfeld, you've been a good friend.

Day 184 - people who don't play the game

Being single has let me participate in 'dating game' yet again, for the first time in almost five years. Having matured quite a bit since the last time I dated, there's a few things I've realised. As of now I'm not interested, nor looking for companionship, but seeing the differences in the way people approach dating made me realise that for one, I'm thankful I'm not really participating, and two, I'm really glad there are people in this world who aren't afraid to be upfront about what they want. There's so much passive aggressive behavior in our culture, and frankly I find it pretty tiring. Even this whole 'game' is really just another way of people not exposing themselves, speaking too soon and feeling like crap about it. The chase, the acting like you're not interested, the subtle yet not forward enough to be exposed advances, they're all mind games. Both men and woman do it, and I've come to realise that it's simply an indication of not wanting to be vulnerable. When you over complicate a situation, you're just creating a mask or distraction from ourselves and sharing our feelings. We've become accustom to subtly expressing pretty profound emotions. We are non-confrontational, diplomatic and politically correct, and in the dating game this becomes quite the gong show if you ask me. You're interested in someone, what the heck is wrong with saying that, and putting those thoughts on the table? It kills any time wasted on feelings that aren't reciprocated. Over the last couple of weeks I've been approached by both men who play the 'game' and men who don't and although in both cases I wasn't interested, I appreciated the openness from upfront men. Things are less complicated, no games and it was easy to say, sorry I'm just not feeling it, and of course, there were no hard feelings! Honestly, feelings really shouldn't be that complicated, and I'm glad that there are people in this world that let us express our feelings so freely and without getting offended.

Day 183 - convenience

I left the gym pretty late tonight, and as I walked out I said thank you to the person at the counter, kind of by habit. But when I got into my car I thought about how I really should be thankful for her being there, I just left the gym after a nice work out and was heading home to get ready to watch some TV in bed. This woman was still at work, after probably a long shift and has yet to relax and get ready to go home. We often take for granted the conveniences we have in our lives. We have at our finger tips the right to go to stores at almost any hour of the day to get essential items, 24hr drive throughs and pharmacies, 24hr hot lines, 24hr customer service, for 24hrs of our 24hr day we have people at our beck and call. This isn't the norm, you could go to a bank in some parts of Europe for instance that are only open at 3 -4 hours out of the day. Malls don't exist. I remember taking a friend of mine to a mall to pick up a few last minute things before an event we were going to, and she was amazed at the fact that within one hour, we went to one location and got everything that we needed. And tonight, at my own leisure, was able to have a good work out that suited my schedule at the expense of another person. And we forget that, we get so used to things that we sometimes feel entitled to convenience. I mean I've bitched and complained about things like that plenty of times. We forget that iur convenience is at the inconvenience of others. And today I would like to thank the people who, although on a paycheck, do sacrifice their schedules in order to make our lives a lot easier.

Day 182 - funny messages

I don't often check my voice messages. While skimming through the 20 or so messages that had accumulated in my inbox today I came across a silly message from a friend that left it so I would laugh. These messages, notes, gestures in passing that are intended to make you laugh are little specs of light in your day. They're moments where people are trying to make you smile, and mostly when you're not around. They are thinking of you and hoping that when you find the token they've left for you, you might smile. And that's very thoughtful I think. We often overlook this stuff, smile at it and continue on with our day. But when you pause and understand the process of thinking to do something for someone, for no reason, to make them laugh, when they're not even there, it adds up. And they're nice gifts to have.

Day 181 - satire

I've listening to this song lately, on my drives to and from school. It makes me think a lot of the preoccupations of North American culture. We really are focused on monetary success. Well, maybe its not just us, more of a global problem, either way. What I wanted to talk about today is the people in this world that comment on these situations, but in an accessible, even funny way. I think it's important that people become aware of political and social problems that might be happening around them, but at the end of the day being an extreme activist isn't necessarily getting the message across. I think what satire does and any other politically active movement, is help the general public be aware of things. And sure, elitist might snub their noses at it, but who really cares? The masses are what is gonna instigate change in anything, and I think that any high-brow or extreme way of expressing that only makes the general population more detached and indifferent, and in some ways is just as bad as the issue itself. So today I am thankful for the people who actually want to shed a new light on what we, as a collective, just get used to. But the people who do it in a way that makes it accessible to us, because that's what's important. Making the difference, not saying you want to.

Day 180 - blowing off steam

I have a tendency to blow off steam when I'm pissed off. Lately things have been annoyingly difficult as mentioned in an earlier post, and I'm happy to say that I have wonderful people in my life who sit and listen why I shoot off about various annoyances in my life. Sometimes people just need to vent. Advice is nice, but a listening ear that won't judge, butt in or be annoyed by whatever rant you might be on is sometimes such a blessing. We are like boilers sometimes, in that we do need to just let our anger and frustration out. Venting about it really is a therapeutic way of doing it, as long as you're not hurting anyone or being malicious about it, have an understanding audience and know that it is just that, blowing off steam. When done in moderation and in a healthy way I really think its a good way to deal with some stresses that come into our lives. It's like a good cry, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up about being frustrated. It happens, and rather than over zealously doing something that could damage a situation, person's self esteem or your own for that matter. Getting things off you chest is a good way to do deal with that anxiety before acting on it.

Day 179 - reality checks

We tend to fight or long for things that we sometimes know we for one, don't really want, and two know aren't the right thing for us. I was caught up in something recently that I know I didn't really want, but enjoyed the thought of it. It wasn't until I was forced to make a decision recently that the reality of the situation presented itself. This was something I didn't want or need in my life, despite my toying with the idea. I was certain about this, and at that second I could really feel that fog clearing. And it was a little tough to let go of this 'daydream' so to speak. Because facing these realities means you lose something that you may want or long for, but in retrospect it's uplifting. When you face the reality of a situation, you make clear distinctions in your life. You know that this is the reality of a situation, and knowing that, you can safely say that any other assumption you might make is just a wishful or distorted perception of that. And I think these distinctions are what help keep us grounded, and help us respect the things that come into our lives, and the roles they have to play. They also help us realise what our values are, and where we might need improving.

Day 178 - suprise follow throughs

Today I got a phone call from a woman who I messaged a few days ago about helping me out with some bureaucratic stuff I needed to clear for some research I'm doing. I left the message assuming I'd get lost in the system and that at some point I'd have to hassle someone in order to get anything done. Yet another reminder that assumptions fail you. Not only did this woman call me back, but she was more than helpful, understanding and willing to push aside some of the bureaucratic crap I had to deal with. People surprise you sometimes, and it's best to give them the chance before you assume what might come of a situation.

Day 177 - inclusive people

When we're younger we assume that the cliques diminish after highschool, and in some cases this is true. But more often than not we find ourselves in situations where groups refuse to intermingle. In the last little while I've been invited to three separate social events that were 'exclusive' in the sense that guests were hand picked. Now as much as this should make a person feel honoured, I was kind of uncomfortable with it. These 'restricted' events are an extension of the personal barriers people put up. I understand that one can't invite everyone and their dog to every event, but the length that some people go to in order to keep things private and hush hush makes me feel uncomfortable. But there are people, that extend themselves with open arms and try to maintain inclusive social environments. I think these are great examples to learn from, because these fake barriers people put up are just another way to hep them identify themselves, and a way of defending their own insecurities. And I can respect that, but what inclusive people can teach us is that the more we embrace other people, the more we can learn about and be comfortable in ourselves. At least rather than putting up walls in order to maintain a level of safety from our own insecurities.