#290 objective reasoning

I was mildly annoyed and offended by an interaction with someone the other day. I was whining to my boyfriend when I got home about how it was more to do with this person's own issues than my own, going on and on about how awful and alone I felt - blathering on like a nut. After calmly listening to my complaints he says, 'people all have flaws, you can't hold it against them.' I was initially taken back for a moment, but when I thought about I immediately realised I was being unreasonable. In moments of anger, frustration or when feeling offended, it's hard to feel compassionate towards other people. Being very sensitive myself, I find this very hard. I often get consumed with my feelings. Today, although it hurt to realise I was being that way, it was nice that someone who I know cares about me, had the heart to tell me that.  I'm so thankful that there are people in my life who aren't judgmental during my moments of weakness, but are still able to let me realise what actually is going on, for one, isn't a big deal, and two, isn't getting better by me not looking objectively at the problem. I think that's actually a hard task for anyone, especially when dealing with a firecracker like this girl.

#289 being ready

I've been having a hard time recently, trying to make some decisions about my future.  What it is that I want to do? What will ultimately make me happy? I've been in a strange unsettled and restless state since I finished school.  I have no idea what I want to do with my life because I feel as though I've been traveling down the wrong path for a while; one that doesn't provide me with the type of consistent happiness I desire.  And it's really frustrating, because it feels as though whatever decision I make, will sacrifice some aspect that's important to me, but I really want to find it.

Seeing as I'm currently unemployed, I've had a lot of time on my hands to read the pile of books that I either bought out of interest or impulse, or were given to me.  I never was much of a reader, but I've really taken a liking to it lately. I finally started, and almost finished mind you, a book that I probably bought over eight years ago - I know, ridiculous isn't it? But the book I'm reading now, The Alchemist, is basically a story about a boy who's in search of his calling, or as he calls it his Personal Legend. He describes himself as "an adventurer looking for treasure." The book really speaks to me, and there's a quote in it that I can't get out of my head, "When  you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it." It's funny that it's taken me this long to read this book, yet I tried opening it up every now and again, and I just couldn't get into it.  But now, when I need the guidance and assurance, it's there and I'm ready to read it.  So today, I'm thankful for things the fact that I'm finally in a place to really read, understand and digest things that will help me in a personal journey. Things that are often good for you, necessary lessons or tokens that help you on your journey are usually right under your nose. I'm a firm believer that you really can't see things unless you are truly ready, and today I'm thankful that I'm finally at a point where I actually want to make myself happy. It's taken a long time to get here.

#288 friends who speak on your behalf

I have a hard time admitting to my talents in public. I don't know why but I feel awful trying to take the limelight for however long it might be in order to let people know what my skills are, what I'm capable of and my accomplishments.  I have a friend who and asked me to join her in a creative endeavor that she's pursuing.  i went with her to one of her meetings and participated fairly actively.  But when it came down to what I could contribute to the team, I found it really hard to say all the things I could do, and actively go after some of the creative projects that they were mentioning.  But this friend of mine, really stuck behind me and spoke on my behalf. I was so appreciative and honoured by he kind words.  As much as I really should learn to not shortchange what I'm capable of and be able to express it in a way where I don't feel myself being pompous, I'm happy that at least for that moment in time I was graced enough with the kindest friend who for one spoke for me and also, thought of me to begin with.  It's nice to know that others believe in you.

#287 teaching children

I was at a family get-together tonight, playing with my wonderful nephews.  My one nephew is absolutely brilliant, he's a quiet type that really enjoys learning new things. He could recite and transcribe the entire alphabet at the age of two and a half.  Tonight, he was sitting on my lap with an activity book, suited for a child a little beyond his age, with a word search in it. We started reading the words and slowly finding them together, until by the last few words he was all on his own.  He's four now, and I found this so amazing.  I think teaching children,  either colours, shapes, spelling, reading, whatever it may be is really an excessive in experiencing sacred things in this universe. I know learning how to finish a word search isn't exactly the most influential lessons of this kid's life, but seeing how quickly he picked up on it made me really aware of how much we impact kids and how really taking the time to teach them good, right and just lessons at that age is both necessary and such a blessing.  It's one of the few moments in life that we have where we can seriously see the exchange of knowledge, and I think that's really powerful.

#286 knowing your friends are happy to see you

I had brunch with a friend of mine today and it had been some time since we had seen each other.  I could tell just by her enthusiasm and in her affectionate manner that she really was happy and thankful to finally have some time together.  I think this is really beautiful, because as I'm slowly realizing, a lot of what goes on inside a person's head doesn't often reach the surface.  We've developed into a society where we hid, lock up and bottle up any of our true feelings while interacting with others.  I'm not sure how this happened, or if it's always been this way, but today while eating a greasy breakfast I was so happy to see that my friend had let down that guard we otften put up, whether consciously or just because she actually that excited, in order to let me know how much oru friendship really means to her. And given today's social context, that really is a true blessing

#285 toronto's green space

I went for a walk in the Don Valley for most of yesterday afternoon. What I find most beautiful about the Don Valley is that you can go there, and be amongst the most natural elements and sort of hear the highways and streets in the distance. I think Toronto really has a lot going for it in this sense. Modern developments, well at least prior the new 'green' developments, often forget that people need green space. We are natural animals, and living in a city can be really damaging, I think, if you have no connection to the natural world. That's not to say that built cities are detrimental to humans; they're not. They're products of our intelligence, civility and culture. But, real nature is just as much a part of us. However, isolation within nature and no connection to the civilized world, is just as detrimental . We are social beings. I think both built cities and nature need each other. And I was very much aware of this yesterday while walking in natural untamed parts of the Don Valley while bridges connecting subway and street networks hovered above. Sure there are much more natural urban developments; cities, towns, colonies with more reciprocal relationships to the land. But although not as drastic, and despite some ill-informed urban developments, I'm really thankful that Toronto does have so many natural green spaces as part of its urban fabric.

#284 gratitude from friends

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other night, where she expressed her gratitude for our friendship. I was really touched by this. You know your friends care about you and you know your friends value your friendships, or at least you should know, but reassurance of that is actually so comforting. When your friends are thankful for you as a person being in their life it really enforces how valueable that friendship is. You're reminded that you can be yoruself and be loved, and that lets go of a lot of pretenses and allows you to be a sincerely good friend in return. So I am thankful for this friend, and her kind words, because now I know I can be a good friend to her without worrying if I'm accepted as I am. My opinions matter, my compassion is appreciated and it's beautiful to hear that.