Day 73 - self-acceptance

A friend asked me today "Do you think you'd like yourself if you met yourself?" and by habit I answered, "No way." But, I thought about and then replied again saying, "Yes actually". It's taken me a while to begin to accept myself as a person. I'm not completely there yet obviously, but being around people who are honest about their limitations, flaws and genuinely care about their well being, (emotionally, spiritually and physically) has been so encouraging. We have the capacity to see all aspects of ourselves, and to me that's a novelty, there are very few things you can know to that capacity in this world. At the end of the day if you can't look in the mirror and see a worthwhile person then how do you expect others to? And by accepting our own flaws, limitations and quirks, it makes it easier accept these things in other people. I find the people who have realistic expectations and humble views of themselves such inspirations, because they not only have a firm handle of themselves, but also are the most generous, non-judgemental and embracing people I've met. And I'd like to formally thank them for helping me begin to accept myself and for accepting all of us.

Day 74 - cottage weekends with friends

After a long few weeks of working nothing is more relaxing then hitting a cottage, lazing on the beach and hanging by a bonfire for a few days with people you care about. What's great about doing this is that it is such a wholesome activity that brings people together. Relaxing is a hard thing to do in western society, and being able to do that with a group of people really is a bonding experience. Being relaxed and away from civilization with people who matter really creates an environment where you can truly get to know a person, on such a non-superficial level. There's something about crashing water, fire crackling and eating fresh corn on the cob that is both nostalgic and soothing. You're placing yourself in a much more humble and relaxing environment and combining that with sincere friendships is such a beautiful thing if you ask me. It helps you let go of your ego enough to appreciate the humble qualities that your friends have to offer.

Day 72 - people who bite their tounges

Gossip is one thing that I find pretty contagious. You will find gossip in any community, and more so that it spreads like wild fire. I have to admit, although I may not be proud, that yes, I do participate in gossip. And the funny thing is that on some levels so many of us do. But, there are people out there who bite their tongues and chose not to participate, and it is these people that I admire. The more I think about it, gossipping about another person is only an indication of your own insecurity. The old saying goes, 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' and there really is such merit to that. And the people who sit quiet really are stronger, secure and honest with both themselves and others. And I am thankful that for the amount of things said by and about my friends, people around me and most likely me, there are the few people in this world who don't feel the need to participate. So thank you for setting such an honourable standard.

Day 71 - people who have faith in you

Before a presentation I have been preparing for recently, I was pretty nervous. I received a few emails, messages and exchanged some words with people that expressed both their encouragement and faith in my capabilities. These expressions really are something to be thankful for. Now, it is important not to base our confidence on what people think we're capable of, because this will only give you a false sense of confidence that isn't founded on your own accomplishments. But, there are times that we do lose a bit of faith in ourselves. And you can't escape the fact that these notes of encouragement are reaffirmations of what we sometimes forget in ourselves in these moments of weakness. Having people around you who have faith in you are in some ways like pillars that help hold you up in these moments. When I think about all the loved ones I have a around me that see the potential I forget to see sometimes in myself, it really is such a blessing.

Day 70 - rejection

This may sound odd, and slightly unbelievable, I know, but rejection is something that I've come to really appreciate lately; both on my own accounts and other's experiences. When we are rejected there is a tendency to take it personally. We can easily assume we've done something wrong, that something we did may not have been up to par, etc. But the fact of the matter is that if this happens a great lesson can be learned, and that is to truly understand your own uniqueness. After various forms of rejection by opposite sexes, social groups, academic groups etc., you can begin to understand not what is wrong with you, but rather what should be celebrated. And when you look at it this way it is both humbling and validating. Things are incompatible mostly because of fundamental differences in values. When we are rejected by someone or something, it's important to see how that is a matter a difference between values. And not one person's values are more valid than the other, they're just different. So, although the act seems harsh, it can really be looked at as a blessing that forces us to hold a mirror to what we hold important.

Day 69 - pets

I had an argument with a person about a month ago. He was trying to tell me that pets are not good for people and domesticating animals is a stupid concept. I can understand his viewpoint, but having a pet myself I could barely relate. My pet Elliot and me have a special bond. The bond people develop with animals is really special because it goes beyond civilized communication; it's based on instinct. Today, Elliot was upset and I couldn't understand why. I spent the afternoon trying to figure it out, and the process was completely intuitive. I think an important thing to note is that pets help us develop that part of ourselves. Love from an animal, because of their intellectual limitations, is so pure. The beauty about it is the love is ubiased , a pet doesn't care what class you're in or whether or not you fit into some superficial norm of beauty. They sense when you're upset, when you need affection and vice versa. Yes it's really simple, but it's still meaningful. An animal will love you based purely on instinct, and that I think is really a pure form of love if you ask me. And being reminded of that on a daily basis can't be unhealthy.

Day 68 - ethnic food

We are so lucky to live in a country where we have so many cultures at our disposal. You can walk down most downtown cores of any city and spot at least a handful, if not more, ethnic restaurants. Having this option is such a novelty. Food, I think, is one of the few things that really lets you understand and experience other cultures quite vividly. And although they may not be in their country of origin, when these foods are presented and prepared in their most traditional way possible, it helps to open your horizons to the variety in the world. Its letting people share something that from where come from is a form of nourishment and a ritual, with people who are open to accepting it. Having such a wide range of choices and potential experiences at our disposal is such a blessing, because it a step in accepting, understanding and embracing 'difference' in this world.

Day 67 - returned favours

Helping someone out, whether spotting some change or bigger acts of generosity, I think should be done without expecting the favour to be returned. Today a few small gestures made on various other occasions were returned to me. I think that when someone returns a favour it's a true expression of appreciation. When a favour is reciprocated without reminder or guilt it's a genuine indication of a balanced friendship. A favour, I think, should be a selfless act. So when a favour is returned, it makes it a real blessing when it's recieved.

Day 66 - role models

I'm always reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while back where he said to me, "I really respect and value your parents" and I said to him "But you barely know them" and his response was, "Yes, but they raised you, and that's enough of a reason." The people in your environment during your formative years have a serious effect on how you turn out. And sometimes we forget that there are these people in our lives, parents, teachers, camp counsellors, older siblings and relatives that while growing up instill what we deem as 'right' and 'good'. And I really have to say a formal thank-you to all the people in my life who have been role models both directly and indirectly, because it is these people that I think about sometimes when I make decisions and at hard times. And I feel very lucky to have had such honourable, honest and sincere people to help set my personal standards.

Day 65 - conversations with my sister

You know growing up with a sister who's much older then you can be frustrating. You're forced in some cases to have three rather than two parents. As I've grown older my sister and I have finally begun to develop a friendship. It's obviously hard given the age gap, because at times I feel she's more authoritative than my mother. But there are moments where those walls are torn down, and we have sincere candid and meaningful conversations. Conversations that are honest, with no prejudgements and sometimes make you laugh, Because its these conversations that in time help develop familial relationships into friendships. And so because of that I'm thankful for these conversational building blocks.

Day 64 - loss

Today was a weird day, I attended a funeral visitation and just prior to that I had an involved conversation that ended with a lost meaning in something pretty important to me. The details are unnecessary, only to note that the two are very similar. At the wake I started to think about how losing friends, opportunities and ideas can be really therapeutic. It's really hard to say goodbye sometimes but being forced to let go of something because it's been taken from you or having your bubble burst is a blessing. Holding onto things, people, ideas or realities when it's time for them and you to move on can only hinder you. There are a lot of things in this world for all of us, some better than others, and having them taken from us is sometimes the only way to open your eyes to what is out there.

Day 63 - bonds with children

Getting an excited hug from a child is something really beautiful and developing a close bond with a child is a real blessing. Little kids are the most genuine of beings I think, they say what's on their mind and are transparent to their feelings. So for a kid to embrace you, it's completely genuine. For a child to be happy to see you, and to want to spend time with you, it's because it wants to so genuinely and most likely for the most positive reasons. Kids aren't tainted, they don't have ill intentions and are simple; they feel and react. So if a kid feels something negative, it will act negatively. When a child reaches out to you, and develops a real bond with you, its because it sincerely feels that connection and is expressing it. It's almost as though they can expresses it better than any of us can, because they're not afraid to say how excited they are to see, hear or touch us. They haven't been around long enough to have fears of rejection, reservations, preconceived notions, or insecurities. They love you and that's it. And something so pure is such a blessing.

Day 62 - signs from loved ones who have passed on

On the day of my late grandmother's funeral almost three years ago, my godfather/ uncle saw a bee fly off the coffin and come 'kiss' his cheek during the burial. At this moment he had a fond memory/ vision of my grandmother. For the following week he found a bee around him always. The day I went to pick up some stuff from her apartment with my two cousins and sister, a bee was in the room with us. And as we dressed my cousin this past weekend, on her wedding day, my sister and I spotted a bee in the room with us. Some people may read this as hoaky, but I think these small signals can only be seen to those who truly believe that there is more to us than just this physical world we're bound to. Yes there are skeptics out there, and I'm not saying anyone needs to believe in traditional ideas of heaven or hell. But what these signs mean, at least to me, is that even though we've lost the one's we love physically, they are always with us. And regardless of denomination or beliefs, I think that these blessings are available to all of us, as long as we hold on to these people emotionally; because it's these signs that show that they hold on to us.

Day 61 - long awaited moments

When things happen that you've been anticipating for a while it's really hard to hold in a smile. Someone once told me that "you'll drive where you're looking" and I truly believe this. Life is based on a mix of choices and granted opportunities. So as long as you're looking toward where you want to go, the things your heart truly desires will eventually come to you. These things can be as small as catching a glimpse of a natural phenomena like a shooting star or a long awaited kiss, and as big as finding the job you love, meeting the right person, or meeting a long lost family member. All of these are genuinely founded desires, but require certain 'lining of the stars' so to speak. And when this happens its such a special moment, because it creates a feeling of harmony. Things finally click, your life choices and the workings of the universe. And because these moments happen so rarely they something definitely to be thankful for!

Day 60 - drop-in visits

I'll own up to the fact that I'm definitely not a morning person. I was woken up by a phonecall today from a friend of mine who called to say he's in town and wanted to drop by. I was so happy to hear from him that I didn't care about being woken from my much loved slumber. Drop-by, just-to-say-hi visits are so great I think! Firstly I love their pleasant surprise. Secondly, although their visit isn't always primarily for you, it's an impulsive consideration; and these then are obviously from the heart. I find sometimes that people get a little bothered by the drop-in visit, I know I've been guilty of it in the past. But the more you sit and think about it, you realise that people are only doing so to spend time with you. They're diverting from their daily routine in order to share part of it with you, and I think that's really special. So why would you want to close the door on something like that?

Day 59 - big efforts in small gestures

Coming to realise that every person has limitations took me a long time . Placing the same standards on every person you meet is completely unfair. Not everyone is going to be able to give the same love, affection, attention and kindness. And once you can understand people's limitations you can begin to appreciate what it is that they do offer you, and then, and only then, can you have an honest friendship. Because then you can come to appreciate when small efforts are made outside of their limited abilities. Someone extending themselves outside of their comfort zone or capacity, for you, because they know you'll appreciate it, is something to be cherished and deserving of gratitude. It takes a lot of courage to do that, and if you have no understanding of that persons limitations then you unknowingly take it for granted. So taking the time to understand the capacity of the people you love and interact with will let you appreciate them wholly and understand how much they do care about you.

Day 58 - uncertainty

I'm a bit of a control freak, and this can pose problems at times. Obviously there's good in all of our shortcomings, but that's for another time. Right now I'm having a hard time dealing with uncertainty, and I thought by dedicating a post to it I would find some comfort. When I sat to think about it I started to understand why its important to have uncertainty in our lives. For one thing, it stresses the importance of letting go. There are certain things in life that are out of our control, and letting go is the only option. Which brings up the point of faith, I'm not talking religious faith, I mean faith in yourself and the universe. Sometimes its important to let things develop on their own, because I think the reason things become out of our control is because at that moment in time, we don't have the capacity to deal with it. Which isn't something to get frustrated with, its something you should value, because its the universe's way of looking out for you, and instills the necessary humility we all should have. And with uncertainty comes possibility, so it's important to have faith and relax knowing that when the time comes to take the reins it will provide you with another opportunity to grow.

Day 57 - time outs

Today after coming home, I decided to just take the night to time myself out from the world, I locked myself in my room and just relaxed for a couple of hours. I realised how valuable these sort of times are both daily and on a grander scale, when dealing with relationships, projects, problems etc. In most cases I tend to plummet through things wanting to find the answers and take control of the situation. I think sometimes quickly rushing through a problem is just an indication of my own insecurities of creating it. It's like you guilt yourself into finding a solution. And just now as I was lying in my bed after dealing with a variety of things today I realised how important timing out is. Sometimes you just need to breathe, let things settle and regroup. This not only tests patience but trust in your own instincts. If you are faced with a certain circumstance, based on whatever decisions you have made, you have to trust that you are going to be able to deal with it. There's no need to hurry. So instead of running through life like a chicken with my head cut off, I'm glad today I realised the value of stepping back, and just taking a breath. And if it is guilt that instigates this impulsive reaction, then doing anything that stems from guilt will only bring more guilt.

Day 56 - friends who are blunt

Brutal honesty has been given a bad name. Why is it brutal? Its so hard to be honest with people sometimes, everything has to be said diplomatically in order to avoid hurt feelings, and a lot of time, pure cases of cowardly passive aggressive avoidance. The former obviously is not something to be frowned upon, but I find people don't speak their minds anymore due to a fear of confrontation. But this is not their own fault, it's more our fault collectively for not accepting the fact that we are human, make mistakes and sometimes are in need of hearing that. In today's society is hard to be frank, so bluntness takes a lot of courage, and is a blessing nowadays. It's so necessary to know how people feel, we can't just go on in a life where no one actually discusses openly how other people make them feel. Think about how superficial that actually is? How shallow a friendship is when each person is blind to how the interaction makes the other person feel? Open communication between friends is the only thing that's going to help any person grow, instigate a sense of humility, help us really understand each other and show that we actually care enough about each other to be honest. So, I've decided to dedicate this post to all the people out there who are willing to sensitively tell me when I'm in the wrong, and bear with my bluntness, because doing so is the only way we can develop as healthy human beings, both alone and together. Thank you for caring enough to honestly want to have a friendship that is genuine, substantial and open.

Day 55 - dinner with friends

Sharing food with people I think is probably one of the best activities. I like it because it's such a humble activity when you think about it. Like laughing, (as mentioned in an earlier post), it's one of the few basic human needs. So, everyone enjoys it on an equal level. Nothing can be more pure than that; looking around a dinner table full of happy faces and knowing they're all feeling the same thing, satisfied. And I think with that, an air is brought about that really brings people together. Every time I have guests over for a dinner party, BB-Q, or potluck I always feel so grateful and happy to have such great people in my life when it's over. And I think that coming together over something as humble as food can certainly manifest those feelings.

Day 54 - big cities

I was driving back from Toronto this evening just after the sun was setting. As I drove out of the city the skyline and car lights came on, the construction cranes in the skyline looked like silhouettes, and the on and off ramps I zoomed under we in shadow. I missed the city. I wanted to move back, and I thought of the infrastructure, the pollution, the dirtiness, the loud sirens at night and I smiled. And I tried to pinpoint why something like this would bring me so much joy? And I realised why. I love big cities because there's a rawness to them. They are a huge living and breathing representation of people. As much bad as they do, for the environment, with their crime, for sanity, there's just as much good, life, motivation, inspiration. They really are whole. And I think that's what energizes me most. A city, a true old gritty city, makes you feel alive. Because it's a reminder of the layers that you have. It reminds us and lets us evolve all the different parts of ourselves. And for that I'm so thankful for the opportunity of getting to know so many great cities. And I use the term, 'getting to know', because they are living things; complete things that are made of so many whole and raw people.

Day 53 - helpful strangers

It was nearly midnight when I was lost on a rural highway while driving home. I stopped by a roadside coffee shop and spoke to some local men that were loitering outside of the Tim Hortons. I spent three minutes getting great directions from them and headed home safe. I tend to lose faith in people quite often, I find myself pretty intolerable of people sometimes. And it's at times like these that I realise how awful that is. It's hard to remember that there is genuine good in every person, when we live in such a fast paced society. We tend to take things at face value and forget to tap into the gems that people can offer us. But there are times when someone helps you find your way, picks up your dropped change or lets you in before them in line, when you're reminded that people are compassionate. These gestures are blessings not only because they offer you relief from difficult moments in your life, but rather that they are reminders of the kindness that you can find in people. They are reminders that we really should stop, say thank-you and make honest connections with the people around us. Thank goodness for these people, because in a culture like ours, these tokens of generosity are sometimes all we have to remind us that there's more to people then just the surface that blurs as we zoom by.

Day 52 - good karma

Today my mom came home from a job that she's been keeping for a while. She seemed relaxed and in good spirits despite the early rising and long day. Seeing this made me really happy because it had been a while since I've seen her this happy. When I sat down today to write I thought about my day, and of all things, I really was so thankful that my mom was happy. You see a lot of unfortunate things happen to good people, and at times it frustrates you, at least I know it frustrates me, to see people with positive impacts not getting the same in return. But today, when I saw my mom in good spirits it was a comforting reminder that the world is balanced, and that acts of selflessness, generosity and positivity are returned. We just have to be patient. That's not to say that doing good deeds and being an honourable person for the sake of a reward is going to grant you that; no way. That's what I find most beautiful about the way the universe balances things off. Self-intentioned good deeds are just as corrupt as selfishness, and what's great about karma is that it pretty much sees through the bullshit. And, I think moments when someone finally gets an instalment of positive graces is the universe's way of saying 'thank-you'.

Day 51 - grown-up slumber parties

I spent last night at a friends house and it was basically a grown-up sleep over. We watched movies, laughed and ordered in. There are often times that we forget how much joy these adolescent activities bring. It's nice to find a place for them in our adult lives. I think slumber parties are something to definitely be cherished and I'll tell you the few reasons why. One being that we tend to put barriers up with people, and as we grow tired and the night passes, the environment of a slumber party, I find, is one that is welcoming and relaxed. It gives us a platform where we feel we might not be judged. The second being that late nights sometimes bring on a state of deliriousness and with that comes a lot of laughter and lack of inhibitions. I can't begin to count the amount of late night laughing fits and bizarre shenanigans I've had growing up. So, I think the combination of spending time with someone and mild exhaustion is a good formula to form healthy bonds with people. It's really a simple thing and I think as we grow older we forget how simple things are really the basis of some of our greatest friendships.

Day 50 - a good nights sleep

When I was younger I would have terrible problems sleeping, nightmares, anxiety, you name it. These difficulties followed me into adulthood. Only recently have I harnessed this problem and as I was lying down to sleep last night I realised what a blessing it is to not worry about this. Then I thought a bit more about it. Now, despite the obvious reason that we are lucky to live in a place where sleeping well at night isn't a luxury, having a good nights sleep is one of the few things in life that provide us with sincere solace. And just as a good morning is an opportunity to start things anew, a good nights sleep is a great way to put away problems that seem like mountains but are actually inconsequential. We are lucky to have this at our disposal, because it's the one time where we can let go and let our minds & bodies do the work for us. Sometimes things in life just iron themselves out, and allowing yourself to have a good nights sleep is allowing your body & mind to sort out the issues in a way that you may not have the capacity to understand on a conscious level. That's one of the hardest things I've had to accept in life; letting go. And I think as I finally develop a healthy sleeping pattern, only now have I begun to understand the importance of letting go and put things to rest on a conscious level.

Day 49 - keepsakes

Something fell under my bed today, and as I searched to find it I came across an old memory box of mine. I opened up to find a bunch of old letters, pictures, music and keepsakes I had completely forgot about. As I listened the music and read through some of the old letters I reminisced on good times that I had and felt those beautiful memories quite vividly. And I realised, that I'm so happy to have kept all these souvenirs because they let you remember things for the beauty that they brought into your life. And sure I'm more of a pack-rat than I should be, and I understand that living in the past is obviously not a healthy way to go about life. But what I'm saying is that sometimes keepsakes are the best way to appreciate your life, because they allow you to focus on the positive aspects of your experiences. You hold onto these things because they respond to something significant in your life. And I think that with them, I can look back at what seems as a lost friendship, broken relationship or age of innocence and realise where you've come from and what actually is important to you. And on top of that, it lets you remember these parts of your life in a positive light. Focusing on the beauty of your experiences is so essential. And it's comforting realising that not all was put to waste. Heck, sometimes an old teddy bear can bring more comfort than twenty deadbolts on your front door.

Day 48 - people you can't relate to

It's hard to accept the fact that not everyone is going to accept you, but I find it harder to accept that you aren't going to relate to everyone the way you want to. I remember a long time ago, when I felt I couldn't relate to or wasn't accepted by people, I had to reevaluate myself. But of course with time comes confidence, and with confidence comes acceptance of others. I think it's important to interact with others who have more, less and different experiences than us, especially if those experiences are ones which you may or may not respect or understand. The entire world is based on laws of relativity and to say that we can truly understand ourselves without looking outwardly is not fair. I'm not saying to use others in order to identify yourself, because that would be wrong. I'm saying that having people around you with completely different preoccupations, values and outlooks can be reaffirming and enlightening. The only way you're ever going to understand this world is to understand how it may affect people who take it completely differently than you do. And I think truly understanding those perspectives is a great gift. Because in that understanding comes a new found respect for the person you may or may not have written off had you not given them the chance.

Day 47 - long drives home

I spent the last week in the woods, without technology or contact with anyone. During the ride home I wrote in my journal reflecting on the week. I wrote about the week as an isolated moment and explained how I didn't know how I could apply its impact into my life. And as I was writing this, we left the campgrounds and emerged from the woods and my cellphone regained signal. I received more and more messages as we drove and I found this really beautiful. The long ride home was so therapeutic. It's a true test of my patience, which is pretty short, and made me realise how important process is in life. I'm not going to figure out these answers right away, but just as the messages in my inbox accumulated the closer we got to civilization, or the closer we got to our destination; everything that happens within one isolated moment will tie into another eventually. And for that, long drives home are the best way to savour that process. They're the best way to tell yourself to slow down and take a breather between moments, and let yourself digest them.

Day 46 - instantaneous friendships

A lot of times we meet people, and over time a close bond develops. After having them around for our experiences, we feel as though these people finally know us and understand what we're about. Then there's other moments, when you meet someone knew, and you have the most meaningful conversation, one that is equal to that of a longterm friend. I really think these sort of lightning moments are special. Because it takes a long time for these sort of connections to form, but if that chemistry is there at the beginning you're dealing with something really valuable. It's the type of thing that just 'is' and I find hard to explain. And I think I'll just leave it as that.

Day 45 - moments of crisis

A crisis tends to come at the most inopportune moment. But, it is one of the few things in the world which has the capacity to bring people together. It can bring out people's true compassion. And although it may not always be the most beautiful of moments, in retrospect, I've seen some of the most memorable and cherished bonds formed within these times. Because they are the types of moments that tear down any egos that may limit connections people might make with each other. And of course we all wish these things never happen, but at the same time, as long as they're not entirely catastrophic, they are cracks in your life that let you connect with another person. And for that they are true blessings.

Day 43 - being cared for when you're sick

Being sick is a natural process of life, no big deal. But nothing compares to people who truly care about your well being when you're sick. I wondered why it means so much to me when people take care of me when I'm sick. Then I got to thinking, I really think physical ailments are products of other subconscious parts of you. If you're body is sick, the rest of you probably isn't doing well either. And when you're sick your physical defense mechanisms break down. So when someone tends to you, I really think you're gaining such pure nourishment, physically and emotionally. And even if it's a small gesture, it goes a long way. And I think that's why it feels so good.