Day 195 - meditation

I think it's important that we all meditate from time to time. I'm not saying everyone should pick up an om chanting ritual and practice kundalini or whatever. But the act of removing yourself from our current environment and conscious state is important. We so easily get caught up in things that we forget thigns that ground us. Prayer is also a good form of meditation, I looked it up recently in the dictionary and found a few entries that said it's part of an act of worship. I found that kind of funny. Because I have a lot of friends in various religious places, and they all use prayer as a form of meditation, a place they go to that grounds them. And I find that the more I meditate, relax and let go of the present situation, for some time of solace and communication with something greater, I find I make better decisions. The more we tune ourselves to what we really need, want and is around us, beyond the physical reality, the easier it is to pinpoint what belongs in you life.

Day 194 - concern that causes positive reflex

I had a phone date with a really good friend of mine tonight. We lost touch over the years but for some reason recently we've reconnected and it's been such a blessing. We were talking about how things were going and such, and I was telling him about some of the bad habits I've been forming because of stress. He showed genuine concern, concern enough to make me stop and think, shit what the hell am I doing here? I grabbed one of my vices and got rid of it immediately. Just like that. It takes a lot for someone to do that, although I'm prone to impulsive decision making, but still. And what I'm thankful for today is the people who trigger these impulses, out of their pure concern for your well being. After doing that I felt relieved. So thank you to you , and the rest of my good friends who care enough to cause so positive reflexes.

Day 193 - honouring traditions

Traditions that someone is brought up with sometimes get lost in adult life. Through school deadlines, work deadlines, a demanding social schedule, we sometimes let go of things. But I think it's important to honour these traditions, either the ones we've been brought up with, or new ones that are made as we develop. They're important because they help ground you. A Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of a hectic work schedule reminds you of the importance of family, and that that void can't ever be filled with monetary success. Receiving an annual birthday present from your friend, on one of the crappiest birthdays you could imagine is a reminder that through hell and high water, good friendships persevere. These things matter, they are the things that tie us together, heck they tie entire cultures together. And when people remind themselves of these things, they remind themselves of what their lives are missing and are blessed with.

Day 192 - understanding friends

I hate disappointing friends and I hate flaking out on plans, both of which I did today. Bringing the bad news to people I have a bit of a hard time doing, but luckily there are friends out there that know it's not a personal thing, but are understanding that there are in fact unfortunate circumstances. It's hard not to take it personally, because you want to believe your friends like your company. And I'd like to believe the majority of disappointments are for legitimate reasons. The other percentage should be inconsequential anyway. And the fact of the matter is, it's probably just as hard to disappoint someone, as it is to be disappointed. So thank you to those friends of mine who understand that.

Day 191 - things out of your control

I got some pretty bad news today. Seems to be the theme of this month, but nonetheless shit happens. And when that shit hits the fan, its a messy reality telling you that you need not be in control of everything. I think life keeps throwing lessons at you until you've learned them. So, where does this idea fall into my bad news. Well, I can honestly say that I'm a bit, if not quite of a control freak. And as of late, it seems as though everything seems to be out of my control. And every time I think I have a handle on things, yet another obstacle comes my way. And I get completely frustrated, because as mentioned earlier, I'm a control freak. But I think what these obstacles are trying to teach me is that, life isn't about control. It's not about taking each situation by the horns and driving it home. No, it's about coping. Sounds pretty anticlimactic doesn't it? But not really. You have deal with life, play the cards that are dealt to you in a way that's going to make you happy. You have no control over what cards will be dealt next, the only thing you can control is how you play your hand right? So maybe that's just it. Learning how cope with what you have in a way that's good for you. Letting go of that authority over your life is something I have a hard time dealing with. I guess that means I have a lot of red tape to cut in my near future.

Day 190 - paying it forward

I needed some change today to pay for a subway token. I was in the subway entrance with another woman. We both realised we had to buy them from a machine in order to do so, but I had no change. After the both of us complaining how impersonal and frustrating it was, I headed out the door to go buy something and break some of my bills into change for the machine. She stopped me saying, "Wait do you just need one token?" And I said,

"Yeah I'll just get some change from the store or something."

"You can just have one of mine."
"Oh, don't worry about it"
"No seriously, just take one"
"Really? I wouldn't feel right about it"
"Just Pay It Forward, don't worry about it"

I took the token and was really happy. The interaction was not more than two minutes, and it made my day. Not because I pocketed the $2.75 subway fare, sure that was nice, but it was the fact that she asked me to Pay It Forward as payment. It really gave me hope in people. She not only helped me, on instant, but wanted to help others too. So wherever you are I'd like to thank you kind lady!

Day 189 - perfectly cued 'just because' tokens

I received an email from a friend tonight who sent me a song, just because. He knew I was having a bit of difficulty lately and thought it might cheer me up. The lyrics in this song seem slightly superficial, but at the same time completely honest and uplifting. I'm happy I have people in my life that take it upon themselves to give small tokens of concern, just because. Because although it was just a simple email, listening to this song, as simple as it was, was exactly what I needed to hear and almost brought me to tears. And I think these 'just because' tokens that have this effect on us, are cues from the universe that we are more connected then we think we are. Otherwise is it just coincidence that we sometimes do things on impulse that are completely perfect for a person in their situation? I don't think so.

Day 188 - a good cry

I've recently been going through a bit of a shitstorm (mind the language) with various things I've been dealing with. As of a few days ago I thought it was all over, only to find out today, with one unfortunate email, that in fact it was just the eye of the storm. I thought I was ok, and that I was going to handle it, but then just broke into tears. After a little bit I felt so much better, and realised it had been a long time since I had cried. And even though this was more out of frustration than anything, it was completely therapeutic. It was then that I realised I needed to throw in the towel for a little while and cool off. I had been holding onto this frustration for so long, and dealing with it in very ineffective ways, and today, crying for those good couple minutes really helped. And to those who think crying is a sign of weakness can look the other way if you ask me, cause there's nothing wrong with letting yourself feel things sometimes. Because not letting yourself do so is what will get you here in the first place.

Day 187 - shared trauma

We sometimes go through things that are upsetting, so upsetting that we are embarrassed to share them with others. That isn't to say that what happened is in fact something to be embarrassed about, it's just our own guilt most of the time that causes these feelings. Either way, I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine today about something she was going through that fell into this category. And I remember feeling so blessed that she chose to share and trust her feelings with me. We often overlook how much courage it takes a person to merely talk about things. And more over we forget that were aren't entitled to that information, but its information that that person has entrusted and graced us with. It's something that has impacted them enough to want to keep private. And to share that with you is an honour. They're called skeletons in the closet for a reason, they frighten us and won't go away. And when someone shares them with you, you have a key to that closet, and if you think about it that way, its like you have access to a persons most inner and darkest insecurities, fears, guilt, you name it. When we invite people to our homes, we don't show them the storage room that's been a shambles for years, or the mess accumulated under the bed but our closest and dearest know about those, they also know the rest of the imperfections we keep hidden in many other ways. And to be be in a position to listen to someones more embarrassing and traumatic experiences is something that I really value. Because its these friendships that let me feel comfortable enough to be imperfect as well.

Day 186 - escapes

I've spoken about escapism before in this blog, saying how we shouldn't ignore underlying issues in our lives by participating in diversions or distractions. But, I also talk about balance, and how life isn't about comparing yourself to an image of perfection. Things are not so black and white, but much more grey. So, it is important to escape from problems from time to time. Taking nights off, going on a holiday, relaxing and not thinking about things; these are vital in living healthily. But in moderation, like anything in life. But I think it's important for us to recognize when it's time to toss in the towel for a day, a night or an hour. Taking a break from our responsibilities is sometimes the best form of rejuvenation. It's much better than lying to yourself, saying you'll get through something when really your mind and body are at the brink of a breakdown. I've always had a fetish for fire escapes, and after titling this post just now, I realised why. You always see fire escapes in between buildings. They're like hinges; and completely necessary. It's only fitting that they make them aesthetically pleasing, because they connect to major buildings to one and other in space. And in someways these little escapes we have in life are like that, we can't make a life of them, because it wouldn't surmount to anything but endless stairs to no where, but with substantial parts of our lives, they give us the right amount of breaking points to experience the important points to the best of our abilities. They're almost like palate cleansers.

Day 185 - background noise

I like to work while watching Seinfeld. Actually, I don't really watch much regular TV so to speak, mostly online stuff. But when I'm working I find I work best when Seinfeld is on, no joke. My old roommates boyfriend was visiting us a while back and he said to her, "why is there always Seinfeld playing in Elfie's room." And it occurred to me today, whenever I have something pressing to do, Seinfeld is my equalizer, it's the background noise that helps me relax, take my time and mildly enjoy the process of something that could be easily unpleasant. So today I'm thankful for the many relaxing things we have as background noise that allow us to perform to the best of our abilities. They're in some ways the companions we share stressful times with, because we often find ourselves getting lonely when workings. So today I'd like to tip my hat to Seinfeld, you've been a good friend.

Day 184 - people who don't play the game

Being single has let me participate in 'dating game' yet again, for the first time in almost five years. Having matured quite a bit since the last time I dated, there's a few things I've realised. As of now I'm not interested, nor looking for companionship, but seeing the differences in the way people approach dating made me realise that for one, I'm thankful I'm not really participating, and two, I'm really glad there are people in this world who aren't afraid to be upfront about what they want. There's so much passive aggressive behavior in our culture, and frankly I find it pretty tiring. Even this whole 'game' is really just another way of people not exposing themselves, speaking too soon and feeling like crap about it. The chase, the acting like you're not interested, the subtle yet not forward enough to be exposed advances, they're all mind games. Both men and woman do it, and I've come to realise that it's simply an indication of not wanting to be vulnerable. When you over complicate a situation, you're just creating a mask or distraction from ourselves and sharing our feelings. We've become accustom to subtly expressing pretty profound emotions. We are non-confrontational, diplomatic and politically correct, and in the dating game this becomes quite the gong show if you ask me. You're interested in someone, what the heck is wrong with saying that, and putting those thoughts on the table? It kills any time wasted on feelings that aren't reciprocated. Over the last couple of weeks I've been approached by both men who play the 'game' and men who don't and although in both cases I wasn't interested, I appreciated the openness from upfront men. Things are less complicated, no games and it was easy to say, sorry I'm just not feeling it, and of course, there were no hard feelings! Honestly, feelings really shouldn't be that complicated, and I'm glad that there are people in this world that let us express our feelings so freely and without getting offended.

Day 183 - convenience

I left the gym pretty late tonight, and as I walked out I said thank you to the person at the counter, kind of by habit. But when I got into my car I thought about how I really should be thankful for her being there, I just left the gym after a nice work out and was heading home to get ready to watch some TV in bed. This woman was still at work, after probably a long shift and has yet to relax and get ready to go home. We often take for granted the conveniences we have in our lives. We have at our finger tips the right to go to stores at almost any hour of the day to get essential items, 24hr drive throughs and pharmacies, 24hr hot lines, 24hr customer service, for 24hrs of our 24hr day we have people at our beck and call. This isn't the norm, you could go to a bank in some parts of Europe for instance that are only open at 3 -4 hours out of the day. Malls don't exist. I remember taking a friend of mine to a mall to pick up a few last minute things before an event we were going to, and she was amazed at the fact that within one hour, we went to one location and got everything that we needed. And tonight, at my own leisure, was able to have a good work out that suited my schedule at the expense of another person. And we forget that, we get so used to things that we sometimes feel entitled to convenience. I mean I've bitched and complained about things like that plenty of times. We forget that iur convenience is at the inconvenience of others. And today I would like to thank the people who, although on a paycheck, do sacrifice their schedules in order to make our lives a lot easier.

Day 182 - funny messages

I don't often check my voice messages. While skimming through the 20 or so messages that had accumulated in my inbox today I came across a silly message from a friend that left it so I would laugh. These messages, notes, gestures in passing that are intended to make you laugh are little specs of light in your day. They're moments where people are trying to make you smile, and mostly when you're not around. They are thinking of you and hoping that when you find the token they've left for you, you might smile. And that's very thoughtful I think. We often overlook this stuff, smile at it and continue on with our day. But when you pause and understand the process of thinking to do something for someone, for no reason, to make them laugh, when they're not even there, it adds up. And they're nice gifts to have.

Day 181 - satire

I've listening to this song lately, on my drives to and from school. It makes me think a lot of the preoccupations of North American culture. We really are focused on monetary success. Well, maybe its not just us, more of a global problem, either way. What I wanted to talk about today is the people in this world that comment on these situations, but in an accessible, even funny way. I think it's important that people become aware of political and social problems that might be happening around them, but at the end of the day being an extreme activist isn't necessarily getting the message across. I think what satire does and any other politically active movement, is help the general public be aware of things. And sure, elitist might snub their noses at it, but who really cares? The masses are what is gonna instigate change in anything, and I think that any high-brow or extreme way of expressing that only makes the general population more detached and indifferent, and in some ways is just as bad as the issue itself. So today I am thankful for the people who actually want to shed a new light on what we, as a collective, just get used to. But the people who do it in a way that makes it accessible to us, because that's what's important. Making the difference, not saying you want to.

Day 180 - blowing off steam

I have a tendency to blow off steam when I'm pissed off. Lately things have been annoyingly difficult as mentioned in an earlier post, and I'm happy to say that I have wonderful people in my life who sit and listen why I shoot off about various annoyances in my life. Sometimes people just need to vent. Advice is nice, but a listening ear that won't judge, butt in or be annoyed by whatever rant you might be on is sometimes such a blessing. We are like boilers sometimes, in that we do need to just let our anger and frustration out. Venting about it really is a therapeutic way of doing it, as long as you're not hurting anyone or being malicious about it, have an understanding audience and know that it is just that, blowing off steam. When done in moderation and in a healthy way I really think its a good way to deal with some stresses that come into our lives. It's like a good cry, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up about being frustrated. It happens, and rather than over zealously doing something that could damage a situation, person's self esteem or your own for that matter. Getting things off you chest is a good way to do deal with that anxiety before acting on it.

Day 179 - reality checks

We tend to fight or long for things that we sometimes know we for one, don't really want, and two know aren't the right thing for us. I was caught up in something recently that I know I didn't really want, but enjoyed the thought of it. It wasn't until I was forced to make a decision recently that the reality of the situation presented itself. This was something I didn't want or need in my life, despite my toying with the idea. I was certain about this, and at that second I could really feel that fog clearing. And it was a little tough to let go of this 'daydream' so to speak. Because facing these realities means you lose something that you may want or long for, but in retrospect it's uplifting. When you face the reality of a situation, you make clear distinctions in your life. You know that this is the reality of a situation, and knowing that, you can safely say that any other assumption you might make is just a wishful or distorted perception of that. And I think these distinctions are what help keep us grounded, and help us respect the things that come into our lives, and the roles they have to play. They also help us realise what our values are, and where we might need improving.

Day 178 - suprise follow throughs

Today I got a phone call from a woman who I messaged a few days ago about helping me out with some bureaucratic stuff I needed to clear for some research I'm doing. I left the message assuming I'd get lost in the system and that at some point I'd have to hassle someone in order to get anything done. Yet another reminder that assumptions fail you. Not only did this woman call me back, but she was more than helpful, understanding and willing to push aside some of the bureaucratic crap I had to deal with. People surprise you sometimes, and it's best to give them the chance before you assume what might come of a situation.

Day 177 - inclusive people

When we're younger we assume that the cliques diminish after highschool, and in some cases this is true. But more often than not we find ourselves in situations where groups refuse to intermingle. In the last little while I've been invited to three separate social events that were 'exclusive' in the sense that guests were hand picked. Now as much as this should make a person feel honoured, I was kind of uncomfortable with it. These 'restricted' events are an extension of the personal barriers people put up. I understand that one can't invite everyone and their dog to every event, but the length that some people go to in order to keep things private and hush hush makes me feel uncomfortable. But there are people, that extend themselves with open arms and try to maintain inclusive social environments. I think these are great examples to learn from, because these fake barriers people put up are just another way to hep them identify themselves, and a way of defending their own insecurities. And I can respect that, but what inclusive people can teach us is that the more we embrace other people, the more we can learn about and be comfortable in ourselves. At least rather than putting up walls in order to maintain a level of safety from our own insecurities.

Day 176 - obstacles

It seems lately that everything that I'm trying to do involves cutting loads of red tape or breaking down barriers. This really hit me today when I cleverly coined the day as, "let's make elfie's life difficult day". Every simple task was an ordeal for some reason today, and it got me thinking that most of what's been going on lately has been a bit of an ordeal. I recently made the decision to pursue another career and change my thesis topic into something more inspiring. Both have been firm decisions, because I realised that they are the direction I want to go. But for some reason everything is difficult. And I was telling my friend about this today, and I said to her, do you think it's because I'm not supposed to pursue this? And she said no way. Then I remembered what I wrote about in yesterdays entry, realizing these are life choices I've made. And I think obstacles come in your way when you do make these choices, because otherwise they wouldnt be choices. You would just walk away witout thinking twice about it. The other thing is, is that they make you really decide if anything is worth going through. Good things don't come easy. That's one of the mottos I was raised with. The harder you have to work for something, the better it is, and I truly believe that. So, if it's something that you do really want, you may have to break down barriers to get it. And I don't think a barrier is the universe's way of saying something isn't for you, I think its a test to help you realise if it's actually what you really want.

Day 175 - choices

A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago that she got some good advice from a relative of hers. She said, "There comes a point in any relationship where you decide, I'm going to love this person, and Love is a Choice" The moment I heard that i was a little taken back. Love is a choice? But then I thought about it. You don't necessarily chose who you fall in love with, but you do chose who to be in love with. You love a million people in our life, and its only a select few that you chose to be with, chose to let go of, etc. Then I started to realise that's what growing up, and life for that matter, really is all about, choices. What you chose to do with your life, where you chose to settle, what type of life you want to have etc. And in some respects it is about settling. But not in the sense that you're dissatisfied. Life is about balance, as I've said countless times, so anything that makes you extremely extatic or extremely upset isn't going to be healthing in the long run. It's about balancing those, and chosing things that are driven by what is good for you. The choices we make, help us make a life that is good for us, if we actually listen to ourselves and the universe. And I'm thankful for the ability to make my life what I want, and to know that at any point in time, if I realise something is not the best thing for me, I can chose to leave it.

Day 174 - friends who let you be moody

It's hard to maintain a happy disposition all the time, but it's just as hard to deal with someone who's in a bad mood, stressed out, grumpy or irritated. The thing is though, I personally think it's natural, and healthy, to be in bad moods. I don't think life is about maintaining a positive outlook all the time, it's more about learning how to balance being sad, happy, angry, scared etc. We're not meant to feel only one emotion. And in a civilized world, you have to maintain an amicable disposition in order to maintain relationships with people. But, there are friends who are understanding. They know that we're all allowed to be grumpy, pissed off and irritated. They don't take the mood personally, but understand that it's just the mood you're in. I'm not saying it's oke to take out your moods on other people, but you can't always maintain a happy front. And this is for those friends who let you sit, mope, and even blow off steam.

Day 173 - early nights

There's something about calling it an early night, throwing on some comfortable clothes, watching a movie or t.v. and just soaking up the relaxation that's really satisfying. I used to think that I had to work until the wee hours of the night in order to get worthwhile, or any work done for that matter. What I've come to realise is that pushing yourself to work when you seriously have no motivation to do so, (at least if there's no deadline or pressing reason to do so), is only being counter productive. Stressing out about getting work done doesn't actually do anything, and when you sit and actually do the work, upon being motivated, it takes twice less time than you think. But I think that's part of the learning process, that is, learning your own process. For instance, I find that my work ethic is eruptive. I'll let the stress accumulate, (to unhealthy levels at some points),obessess about it, even if it's not that much, until a breaking point. Then I'll produce a lot more work than I'd ever expected. Now, that's not to say that it's healthy, but recognizing that is. And I think the moment you do recognize that, you know, this is just my process, this isn't actually a big deal, then you can step away from your work, throw on you pj's and watch crappy t.v. while eating unhealthy bedtime snacks. At least that's what I do.

Day 172 - music dripping with emotion

I recently re-discovered this song. As much I hate going on about specifics on here, that entire album, as coined by a friend of mine, just drips with emotion. There are certain songs out there that make you stop. They are intoxicating, they put a spell on you. Being able to do that to a person is actually very powerful. I'm talking about music you can actually feel penetrating you, I know that sounds totally mushy, but this really happens. And these moments, I feel, are transcended, as mentioned before, music is an exchange. And experiencing something like that I think is a blessing. And it's something I believe proves there's more to this world that the physical we experience, and that's why I'm thankful for these songs today.

Day 171 - people that bring you back

I had a conversation with a friend of mine about being in environments that you don't fit in. I don't mean superficially, more so when you find yourself surrounded by people with completely different value systems than your own. This is obviously a good thing, in that it's an opportunity to learn and grow. On the other hand, it can also be extremely lonely, and in some cases desparate and depressing. But, there are the few people you meet in these circumstances, that help you breathe. It's easy to lose moral, and even yourself, in these situations. Being surrounded by people who you cannot relate to constantlly, can be demoralizing, discouraging and start a downwards spiral that may be hard to get out of. But there's always the few people, or even one person, that bring you back. In a sea of confusion, they're the ones you can relate to. And I know I use this word often, but the only way I can describe them, is that they are in fact blessings.

Day 170 - success

I find it funny that most things, acts, words, opinions or etc., that are valued in this world, are usually things that fit into some formula of success, which we have made. I realised how much of what we value nowadays are actually things that are man made, money, physical possessions, even time in some respects. I was curious about this, and I looked up the formal definition of success in the dictionary, here's what most of the primary definitions said it is: 1. The achievement of something favourable or desired. A few definitions defined it also with achievement of wealth, but most had this as either a sub note or secondary definition. Why am I going on about this? Because we've been completely warped into believing that what the masses, society, culture, media, whoever describe as success, is in fact what will lead to a desired life. The more I thought about this, the more frustrated I became. There are so many unhappy people in this world, and I hate saying that, but it's true. And the reason I think, is because their vision of what is successful is in fact these physical and monetary vistas we have painted for ourselves. And its scary, because the only thing these goals we're aspiring towards are, are transient. Nothing we could ever make is everlasting or sustainable. The only things like our relationships, love, laughter and the other transcended things we experience on an non-physical are really everlasting. Sure your heart will break, but not like something physical. Love never really fades. A low income man surrounded by loved ones, never being alone a day in his life can't be compared to a single wealthy bachelor in his penthouse on our scale of success. It's like comparing apples to oranges And if the definition of success I quoted proves anything, is that success is subjective. Something favourable or desired can only be determined by the person achieving that goal. And I guess if monetary or worldly gain is on your list, then sure. But maybe we have just conditioned ourselves into believing that's what we really want. If it was, then why do we always seem to need more? If success means anything, it's satisfaction. And greed is the antithesis to that. What about waking up to someone who loves every bit of you, smiling as often as possible and meaning it, wanting to cry less, or knowing you have people in your life that would put their own lives on the line for you? Yeah I know, these are all extremely mushy things that we roll our eyes at or even glaze over when talking to people about where we want our lives to go. What does that actually say? Really though.

Day 169 - surprise shoulders to lean on

I'm happy to say that sometimes you're surprised at the people that come into your life for support. Today I am grateful for are the amazing people in my life who surprise me in moments of crisis. In stressful times, you're always forced to understand where your weak friendships are. But, the more amazing thing that you see, is the people that come out of the woodwork with embraces, warm thoughts and words. And it's amazing to see people's compassion, friendships that once were broken, relationships that didn't last, people you barely spoke to, coming together for your help and well being. That's a really beautiful thing. And what it means is that among the friends you know will be there no matter what, there are people, who you may have let go of, misjudged, or glazed over, that prove themselves to be some of the most compassionate and connected people in your life. It really hits you when you receive the most sincere, sensitive and on cue token of support from someone you habitually overlook. All the more proof that personal judgments are flawed.

Day 168 - homeless shelters

I went and had a tour of a homeless shelter for inner city kids, in Toronto yesterday. The way these places work, is that they offer a platform for kids in trouble to get harm reduction equipment, food, shelter, health and dental care, social service, daycare, employment help etc. with no questions asked. They don't need to provide a name, unless it's for health care, but even then they are allowed to use an alias. No ID required, no questions about where they're coming from, why they're here. These places are open non-discriminatory places for people who have only the streets to turn to. Being in such an environment really lets a person understand how much judgement, prejudice and unfairness we are all faced with on a daily basis. And you just have to be thankful that there are people willing to donate their time and energy in order to help make a troubled person's life just a bit better. I think it takes a lot to deal with these sort of things, because it's very easy to pass judgement and treat someone a little differently, we've been conditioned to do so socially and politically. But being in that building yesterday was very uplifting, and I'm just happy to see that there are people in this world that don't spend their days working for themselves, but for the benefit of people who already get ignored for the most part, by the rest of us.

Day 167 - dealing with curve balls

So, my father went to the hospital yesterday; he injured himself. I came home and frantically made some dinner for my mom, knowing she had been at the hospital all day and assumed she would come home a bit of a mess. When she came, she was surprisingly calm, and we chatted over dinner very peacefully. This, coming from my naturally passionate and frantic mother, was new to me. We talked about how the accident happened, and how it was unavoidable, like an act that was supposed to happen. And she said it so calmly that I was kind of shocked by it. But it makes sense now, life is one of those things that as much as you try to plan, there is an never ending amount of curve balls that are thrown to you. And what seeing my mom, calmly eating her dinner reminded me of was that, as mentioned in an earlier post, we're all meant to go through bot good and bad life. And most of these things are unplanned and sometimes unavoidable. I'm not a firm believer in fate, like I've said a million times, there are things that are meant for you, and its up to you to find them. And some of them are unfortunate curve balls. But I really think that these are lessons that we are supposed to learn from. Fluke, unavoidable instances like these ones, are lessons, parts of life that we're all supposed to take from, in this case me, my dad and the rest of my family. They are completely unfortunate, but all you can really do is breathe, and realise this was supposed to happen, now let's deal with it. And I'm shocked at the strength my mom has sometimes, because she really is one of the best examples of this. It's really too bad that there is a lot of pain involved when these things have to happen, but that's just it, they have to happen. And whether we like it or not, we have to deal with it. Do I care that for every week I've tried to work on my thesis something drastic has come in my path, sure? But I'll get to it. Plans get broken, things change and priorities shift, it's all a part of the learning process. One of the best things I've ever learned in life, was once told to me from my sister. We had a hell of a year a few years back, my family and I, surgeries, births, deaths, terminal illnesses, all sprung upon in the span of a year, and I remember my sister telling me 'After this year, I realised long term plans shouldn't be held onto too tightly, because you really can only live life one day at a time, you never know what's going to get thrown at you'. That's something that's stuck in my head forever since, and today I remember that, because I really couldn't see this one coming from a mile away. But this is where we're at, and that's what has to be dealt with. And somehow, we'll all grow from it.

Day 166 - indulgence

I really think the key to a healthy life is a life of balance. I don't believe in limiting yourself of things that you love, even if some of those things are kind of bad for you. That's not to say you should go put yourself in danger, and on a regular basis. But, I mean, lets say you love fatty food, cigarettes, or something along those lines. Indulging in these things once in a while I really don't think is wrong. Sure, indulgence can easily lead to bad habits, like addiction and constant binge eating or what have you. But I do think that life is balancing between pleasure and self control, and people who are consumed by diets and self restraint are not listening to their bodies, and in some ways lack self-awareness. Sometimes, whether we like it or not, we have to indulge in some of these temptations. The lesson we all need to learn is one of responsible self control. We can't fall to the mercies of our temptations, but we also can't imprison ourselves from them. Its important to be able to distinguish what is a guilty pleasure, and what is actually harmful to ourselves. But indulging in these guilty pleasures, I think is the only way to live a balanced lifestyle.